Today is Thanksgiving. A day of giving thanks.
To be honest...
It is not just another day... as much as I want to make myself believe that. If I believed that then I don't have to feel the pain. No. It indeed, is not just another day.
Writing this is not just for me. No. It is for you just as much as it is for me. You, whether you are separated. You are divorced. You are finding yourself alone at college because everyone else is gone home to their families and you don't have that to go back to. Whatever your situation is. where ever you are.... This is for you, too.
I fell asleep last night crying.
Not loudly. Nope.
Softly crying of defeat and hurt. A broken heart.
Oddly enough, if anyone knows me well, they know me crying is not a common occurrence.
Waking up this morning, I was hitting the snooze button several times. It is easier to pretend that this day isn't here then to wake up and hurt. It just is (easier) on so many levels.
It could be the pounding in my head (or the weeping of my heart). No theatricals in saying this at all. No, it is real pain I have been feeling. To top it off, I woke up feeling like I was fighting some sort of sickness too... best day for it, don't you think? (totally sarcastic, of course)
So this morning, waking up was just harder because of the fact that it wasn't just any day, but it was Thanksgiving. The first Thanksgiving since we went public (so to speak) with our separation. To top it off, my body both physically and emotionally were drained and tapped out. You know what I did? I allowed myself to sleep in some more. I, for once in a long time, allowed myself rest without guilt.
Sometimes, we can wallow in the sorrow we are feeling. Feel it but don't wallow in it. You are going to be feeling like crap already, don't make it worse on yourself. Don't put a face on either. Fake is fake and that is ugly. Be you. I would rather sit with someone where there are truly at then to fake it. So, be real and true to yourself while being able to rest your body and get up anyways. Get up, get out, do something.
In fact, I am going to be thankful for the separation I have. Even with the heart break and the pain I feel. I am a super huge sucker for holidays and am a super romantic person at heart. It isn't being stupid, just who I am.
In the midst of feeling hurt and in pain, I am thankful. I am thankful I can still feel. I am thankful I am not allowing myself to grow bitter. I am thankful that I am separated. We just get along better this way.
This societal culture tells you and I that if our marriages fail, we are too, to the very core of who we are failures. We are breed to have marriages and stay in them-- or so sociological and cultural standards would like to tell us. But that is simply wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!
What if I were to tell you... (drum roll please...)
HAVING A FAILED MARRIAGE OR SEPARATION CAN BE ONE OF THE BIGGEST SUCCESS' OF YOUR LIFE?!
Oops, I think I just heard some people getting very angry with me. It must be the very institution that wants everything to their liking and understanding. If it doesn't fit a mold, than outcast them they shall. Well, I guess I am going to be me, aren't I?
How can it be on the biggest successes of your life?
Because without failure we don't know success.
Because in a hurting or already failed but patched up at the seams marriage isn't a marriage at all.
Because you are being one hundred percent real with you and yourself and others.
Because you are focusing on where you truly are at rather than where others want you to be.
Because you can move forward from a hurtful place to a healing place.
This post didn't start out from a healing place-- It started out from a sad hurt place. Writing this came from a place of wanting my readers to know the pain they have is okay. That you are not alone in feeling pain this holiday season.
Know that you are loved where you are at. Even if you don't believe it.
Know that feeling the pain is better than letting it fester.
Know that the feelings are normal and okay. Feel them.
I totally felt that I was hindering the holidays with my feelings. Like I was not suppose to feel this way because it was a holiday. But really, there are many, like you, that have experienced it at one point.
If you are in the same spot and experiencing difficulties, know that you are not a lone. More than anything know you are not alone. I can't say that enough because once we realise that, the light begins to shine somewhere in the tunnel of darkness we are surrounded by.
I ended up watching the Macy's Day parade with my son.
I ended up taking a very chill day even though I was still feeling down and hurting. I still had Thanksgiving dinner with my kids. And had a good time eating it. I still ended the day snuggled with my little girl and my sons watching a Christmas movie as a family.
Allowing yourself to feel is so important.
Knowing it is a great strength even among the pain is like a treasure we need to hold.
Don't let pain stop you from living.
What is something you have struggled with this holiday season?