To men (or women) out there, whether you are spiritual or not, I want to have a few words with you if you want to keep your spouse or girlfriend or partner happy. Some, okay, maybe a lot of them are learned from me or people close to me. So take heed that these are not spoken lightly or out of my butt. I promise.
Think this is just about a romantic relationship? Hahaha, that is cute and funny.
While, yes, this is highly leaning towards romantic and intimate relationships, it is not, like life, define by those boundaries.
It includes but is not limited to:
* mother - child
* son - child
* co workers (less so)
* romantic relationships
* domestic partnerships
* parental partnerships
Basically, if you have a human relationship of any kind, you can benefit from reading this ESPECIALLY IF YOU DO IT with an open mind to grow.
#1 Don't Put Their Needs as an Extra Curricular
This is going to piss your partner off to no end. They are not 3rd helpings at dinner. They can't serve your emotional, mental, sexual, and physical needs for you to treat us as anything less than important to you. What are you trying to accomplish with this? Why are your needs any more important than that of your "other"?
You do realise, that when you do this, you hurt yourself, right? If you don't, and you haven't experienced it yet, you soon will.
Imagine being on the receiving end of it and feeling as though you were dedicated to the relationship and putting the other person first. You would end up feeling a broken heart on Valentine's Day (or any other day of the year, it is just way more pronounced on Valentine's Day).
Both people have to be invested in each other fully. Giving their all and not being looked at as though they are not worthy of being number 1 in the other person's life.
We all at some point in a relationship need more give than take sometimes- and that is okay as long as it is balanced out and when the other person needs you you are there for them whole heartedly in whatever way they NEED (not you wanting). You will learn to stretch your heart. That is one way we grow in love. A lot of the time we feel we can't do it, but you can!
#2 When They Are Exhausted and Need a Break... EVEN IF it Inconveniences You
So what, you have to miss your club for the night? Seriously, who cares? If you are putting your needs above that of your partner ALL the time, that is a big problem. We are all in this together and you can not simply say I get all my personal needs met, but yours? Fuck them. That is exactly what you say when you do this to your partner. It wears them down. It hurts them. It really hurts them. Then guess what? It will hurt you.
It is also a part of growth to be honest with you that you are going beyond what YOU NEED and giving them what THEY NEED for the moment.
To tell a story, last night, I was freaking exhausted. My body, my heart, my soul, all feeling this void and energyless pit. I was just purely exhuasted. I HAD to go to bed early-- before dinner even. My whole self was that damn tired! It wasn't a choice.
So, me getting that rest wasn't a choice for me.... it was a necessity!
Anyone that knows me knows that I generally push myself pretty hard. No one can say that I rest long. I don't. I am a mover and shaker kind of person. If there is a program I can do for my girl scouts or boy scouts, I am organising it. If I am being a home school teacher to my 3 children, I am doing that. I wouldn't change that for the world.
But being physically sick, emotionally hurt and exhausted, I needed the break. My body could only handle for so long the moving process- which was the hardest f*n move I have made, trumping moving cross country (even with kids helping out-- see my kids help moving tips here), going through a lot emotionally, finishing up the school year, and scouting year-- it's been real and I am tired!
Had I not had the sleep I needed, I would be waking up sicker, more emotionally drained, and frankly more bitchy because I would have no energy reserves.
Are you catching my drift of how caring for yourself and caring for the other person's needs in your life helps you? Okay then, let's move on.
#3 YOU are NOT the Most Important Thing in the Relationship- You BOTH Are
If you think you are, you are not ready for a relationship. Honestly. It is SO rude and inconsiderate to only think of yourself in any situation let alone be it a personal or intimate relationship or marriage. We all have our shit that we have to go through. We all do.
It is one thing to do this occasionally and on accident. It is a whole new thing when it is constant and repeated all the time.
Going through your shit together can become one of the most powerful things ever. Like ever! If you think though that you are so toxic though to that relationship, let it go for a while and maybe come back to it.
You can enter any relationship, even one that looks perfect on the outside, and realise that many things have to be worked out together. Sure, you can tell that person to go fuck off, get a life and come back when they are not only perfect but worked through their shit on their own. But let's look at human nature. We were NOT build for that. We were built to work together. And frankly, if you say anything like that, than YOU WERE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM! I mean that.
We all have our history, our past, our personal and interpersonal issues. If you think that the other person is the only one with issues, you are wrong. Yours are different but don't discount theirs. Theirs may be smaller issues or bigger issues. You may look at them and wonder why they have issues loving themselves (I know I have had issues with this). You may shoo them off and not help teach them how to love themselves. Then that issue never goes away and you never help your relationship. You may have issues with expressing how you are really feeling and wow, look at that, they can help you with it.
There you go-- you can both help each other! What a concept!
It is all a balance.
#4 Don't Stick to Your Guns When You Have That One Situation That Needs Doing
The best example I can give right now is it being Sunday and you are under the gun for moving day. You have hours to get things done and you leave your partner, wife or significant other high and dry to deal with everything on their own. It tells them that they are not worthy of your help when they are moving you. And if you are going to use the Sunday "must-go-to-church" argument, don't stay for all the fun stuff or realise that even pastors take time off when their families need them because the realise the value their family has in them being there in the first place.
I know a lot of pastors and have a lot of friends that work in the church world, not that I am or consider myself strong in faith. But I do know they wouldn't leave their families to do all the work for them.
It is not valuing what you need any less, but it is saying there is an urgent pressing thing that needs doing.
Also, food for thought, when you stick to your guns, the other person is learning off your behaviour and will do the exact same thing. Thus creating a very vicious and toxic cycle that is incredibly hard to break.
Maybe create a calendar. This may not work for everyone but each prepare to take time for self in say, the moving process, the busy day, taking care of kids, etc. This is something I personally wish I would have done more.
#5 STOP Picking STUPID Fights
So what, the green beans weren't able to be found so we had salad. And.... yeah- the fight is real!
All these stupid fights that you have constantly add pressure, undo, to any relationship. And can build the toxicity to a relationship. All the fights that you feel have no baring on your long term relationship will and will create such a toxicity that you will look back and wonder-- "what the hell happened?!"
Some stupid fights are part of relationships. It is called it being the end of the day. It is called the end of the school year. It is called "someone lost their job." It is called the baby woke up again and threw up everywhere. It is called.... wait for it... LIFE!
It is when it is constant and then you wonder how you could ever be with that person. If you don't learn to submit to each other, NOT in the way that people use the bible for, or blow out of proportion, because I am against that, but in a healthy way.
When you can both submit aka compromise your needs and wants you both are MUCH happier. And this is universal whether you are sleeping with someone, married to them, your sister or brother, your friend. Every relationship calls for compromise of some kind.
#6 When They Admit Their Fuck-Ups, Accept It
When do people now and days actually admit their fuck ups? When done whole heartedly and jsut for you, be open to it.
Don't sit there and not take it seriously. If they want to say, sorry I screwed up, take it. Move on. Ask questions if you need to, say how it affected you. But don't, for the love of everything sacred, DON'T hold onto an old version of who you thought that person was.
Everything is a process and likely you will revisit that time that what happened affected you. Not to say that you move on and everything becomes suddenly peachy. You may go through it several more times throughout the next 20 years. But better that to grow up from it and move on in the best way you can. Running away is not the way and will bite you in the ass.
When you have been with someone for 10 months or 10 years, if you old onto a person's personality from 10 months ago or 10 years ago, you have not allowed them to grow in your mind. So your mind and the reality are not the same.
Why does that matter? Because if you see someone has an old version of themselves that means that they have grown and are willing to but you are not. Even if you try to change your habits and thinking "well, I am better now. But them, no!" That is falsehood at it's finest. You have no clue what is going on inside them unless you listen to it with an open heart.
It doesn't happen overnight; it develops in stages. I feel that we are capable of doing this without having to go to therapy. The whole idea of therapy is jarring for some.And going to therapy over something you can work on yourself is a hell of a lot more empowering and saves you a shit load of money. It is not like the dentist- you can't work on your own teeth. But your feelings you can. You have to be open to it. Therapists are there to help facilitate it. If you need to go, you can, but try first to practice being open hearted. Practice listening to the other person. Chances are you can give yourself a jump start by doing that (and then go if you still need it).
We all fuck up-- so when the other person admits it, accept it and don't be cocky about it either. If you have fucked up, admit it so they are not left hanging. If they need you to accept the apology, accept it. If they need to work it out with you, work it out.
Don't make things more complicated then they need to be.
#7 When They Want to Work it Out, You Need to Try
And not the half ass try. That is just not going to work. It is different to say that you need some time to yourself and to work things out. It is another to say, "oh you want to work it out... well not me". And the reasons you give don't make sense. Make sure that you work your shit out with yourself and be real to you and the person you are with.
It is worthy to try, any time, any day.
It is one thing when it really can't work out but I am of the mind frame that it can work if you try. If you don't work through your shit, it will go to your next relationship. And trust me it will.
I once read this post from a guy on why he wouldn't date a single mother ever again-- you know, because they are all the same. *insert angry emoticon here*
The comments from that thread blew up and have pissed me off to no end. They put everyone (every single mother) into a box because of a few bad eggs. They say they won't date a single mum because of the baggage and expectations they have. That they put their kids first. That they are selffish. Um... no. And mums need to put their kids first. Their relationships should also be first (tied really) but if I am just starting to date you, of course my kids come first. Duh! I don't know you from Adam in the beginning. A lot of these comments had so many curse words, hatred, and so much more. Anyways, I got off on a tanget but it did have a point.
They had these hateful comments to say and were not willing to look at people and situations as individual. That hurts the overall. You are going to limit who you see and date or work on a relationship with because you are too close minded. You are only hurting yourself and it's sad.
And if you are currently in a relationship, realising nothing is perfect is first off. The other thing is that the grass isn't always greener and you do need to try to work with what you have first.
See the blessing in what you have and work on what you want to be better. Not all relationships are doomed. They just aren't. If you give into that thought, then they will be. Where there is will, there is a way.
Now, if it truly can't work, it can't. But still work on what went right and what went wrong in the relationship, even if it is by yourself. And do it honestly. Otherwise, moving on isn't going to happen.