Wednesday, September 14, 2016

"Loving Your Ex" Challenge

Today is Wednesday and I am up at 1 in the morning finishing this post.... So... Happy Hump Day!

A total spin on the "love your spouse" challenge. Yes, that one. The one that for 7 days, a whole week, your friend or you post cutesy pictures of your and your spouse or partner. That is grand and well. We need more love in the world. But what about those going through the opposite?

Yes, think what you may, but you must keep reading to understand that this is not a hate against the "love your spouse" challenge. There is plenty of hate against it and I realise that. This is not it. It is nothing more than a mere compliment to it!

Why? Why on Earth would I say that?

"Loving Your Ex" Challenge, Love Your Spouse Challenge, 7 days, 7 things, love, separation, divorce, pain, hurt, moving on, Via Bella, Challenge, love challenge, separation challenge

After all, they broke your heart and you broke theirs. For a reason.

Not a reason you need to be telling me. None. I don't want to hear it unless you want to share it. And most certainly will be a listening ear if you need it. I need that. You do too. If I am that person, I am here and comment away in the section with your thoughts on this. I am sure this concept is not going to go over with some well at all.

Because pain is real. And of course it is painful. Sometimes heartache and heart break is the most painful thing you will be through in your life. And it is okay to be hurt. I have even had to admit to myself to let the hurt be. I can't change it, but I can embrace it.

 It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be hurt. But at the same time we can choose love. We can choose to see the bright in something. Even if that something is the light we have to turn on in our living room.

This is a process. It hurts so much. You have days that you feel you can't function. That is normal. You have days that are you pissed beyond belief. That is normal too. I am not asking in this challenge to pretend that is not there. It is to help you move on. There is always a silver lining.

The world needs more love.

Simple and plain.

We can all crap on our ex's all we want but at the end of the day we chose them. We were meant to be with them whether we think so or not. Just the same way we were meant to end it. That is okay too.

At the same time, one reason why I am starting my SOS series (having to do with separation) is to create a community so less women (and even men) spend YEARS feeling crappy, less than, unloved, unwanted, etc the way I did-- it was one of the most horrible and painful things I have been through. LOVE is needed, even if it comes from a community. I call love a human condition. We deserve to hear many different stories of separation, be inspired, be changed for it. (So look forward to that on my separation page!).

I whole heartily believe in some cosmic reasoning. Maybe it is my way to deal with it. If there is not karmic or destined reasoning behind it, can't I still find something in it to find meaning in what was so I don't screw up the future and what is to be? No matter whose "fault" it is there is always better and up to go.

I really dislike (close to hate, but hate is such a strong word) the stigma that comes with being separated. Because it sucks. Plain and simple, it just sucks!

You tell people. That is really crappy and hard at first. It grates to a person's core sometimes. Some know already just because they aren't dumb and others don't. Some take it really well. Some people like to pick sides even with all the evidence laid out before them. It happens because it just does. You never know what you are going to get with the reaction. Are they being real with you? Is it some false condolences that they will turn and go judge? Sometimes you just don't know. That not knowing is hard and painful. Especially from those that we care about.

So I write this because I think so often when we get separated, divorced, or become single in a relationship, we start this cycle, whether justified or not, of highly disliking the ex spouse or the ex girlfriend or boyfriend.

If you sit back and think, what purpose does this serve? Really?

Things suck right now, if you are going through separation or divorce. It just plain sucks. So why make it worse by saying that you hate them?

I look at my kids and I can not afford to hate him. Not at the cost of what it would mean to them or to myself. And why would I want to risk that? I am surely, as you are as well, bound to hit some of the same problems on the nail when you have to deal with them on the daily basis already for the kids sake, why create one more?

Breeding hate does NOTHING for us: neither you or I. So stop it.
Being hurt and in pain and mad is one thing. Being hateful is another.

No matter who done wrong, because something had to have gone wrong for your relationship to get the point that you are calling it quits, you need to move past it. Not move over it, or to the side of it, you need to go through it. Yes, going through why you separated or divorced is hard as hell. But if you don't do it, that same hell will follow you into the next relationship or even into the current relationship to the ex.

Going into why I separated is not going to really happen here. Not in the full detail that needs to be said for the full understanding that needs to happen. It just won't because relationships are extremely complicated and frankly still going through it.

Here is my challenge to you!!!!

Find something about your ex or your ex spouse that you love.

And don't you roll your eyes at me (I know you are!)

Instead, maybe this is a good challenge for us, myself included, to....

Find some beauty amongst the ugly.

Find a rose amongst a thorn bush.

Find a rainbow amongst the hurricane.

Find Toto amongst the tornadoes.

Find YOURSELF amongst a hardship.

Here are 7 Things I LOVE about my "Ex" (I am currently separated). 

(now my situation isn't as bad as some, but there is so much that those around me don't know about it. It took me everything in me to find things that I love about him. Because even though I know he is still here is a sense it can make the pain worse sometimes. That is why knowing and him being honest and knowing that I need to do this for myself to move on is important. It doesn't mean things are good between us the way they should be or that there is hope that things will suddenly snap back in place the way that people want. Wouldn't that be easy?) 

1. My heart has been broken into so many pieces that putting it back together the same will never happen again. Ever. That is okay. Ironically, I thank him for it! I thank him for breaking my heart. Yes. Because it is forcing me to grow and to become more the me I am meant to be.

2. I don't have to live this lie. I don't have to put on face (and I am absolutely horrible at it). Although many bloggers may be introverts, I am an extreme extrovert. It was very very difficult to answer the question of "where is he?" or "what's going on?". It put me into such a hard place.

3. I don't have to pretend I am happy when I am not. Which makes me happier than you will imagine. The irony is not lost on any one who has experienced this. The freedom breeds happiness. There is no shame in that. (It also breeds confusion and hurt but the freedom and happiness generally triumphs over time).

4. I am SO incredibly thankful for his honesty once we got to this place. Even if it hurts. At least I know something. Something is better than nothing.

5. I am SO incredibly thankful that I don't have to worry as much as some about knowing that my lights will be on when I come home (and there irony in that tonight as I came home to them off). But generally speaking, I can know we will be fed and roofed and so forth. This is my biggest one maybe because this is one of those things I think every mum worries about when getting separated and especially when there are kids involved.  Child support battles are stupid and not a small feat to have to under take. I hope sincerely no one has to deal with it and that I certainly don't. That we can be civil to each other. He really does realise what he did, I think, and knows his responsibility to the people he helped bring into this world. Even if he is not around as much of the day that I am, he at least makes sure there is a roof over their head. That they are fed.

6. I am thankful that even though he doesn't love me (at all) anymore, he still does love his kids. At the end of the day, this is the only thing a mum could want. Yes, we sacrifice our own happiness for that of our children.

7. He helped give me three BEAUTIFUL children. Enough said.

Guess what? 

Even after being thankful and loving my ex, I feel lighter but it doesn't take away the hurt. And it may not. But it is still worth lessening the burden of stress on your heart, both literally and figuratively. There are bigger and better things to worry about.

The point isn't to suddenly be happy or be okay with the situation. It is about being present and knowing that YOU are worth it. You are worth it to not hold hate. You owe it to yourself and to the future you hold.

So I challenge you to do the same!

Share here about why you love about your ex. even if, you wouldn't dare say it to their face or to their family's face in fear of looking weak. Even if you are worried about opening that can of worms again.

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