I have just moved my family and currently write this while wearing what I slept in... there are perks to home schooling. I am focusing on what is really important in my life. Clothes does not happen to be one of them right now. I am sure that my daughter will outfit me in a dress soon during dress up though. I look forward to this.
They are on break and fish sticks cooking for lunch. Cookie prizes for my girl scout troop are done. So I sit here writing this.
Still, no matter how much I distract myself, I can't get past feeling very bleh today and feeling very much... in pain. I want to cry, I want to be alone, I want to rest.
I have a good idea of what is causing it....
More or less a broken heart.
I spent the last year and half to two years, (I really have lost count), really having to dig deep and go through things that I thought were past as I was going through something (really fucking) hard. Like, not wanting to get out bed, hard. On top of it, my heart got extremely broken in the process.
This is something I normally wouldn't share but I feel this could be helpful to you as a reader of mine. We live in a world where it is the next big thing, shiny, new, sunny days. We are not suppose to have grey days, hurt, be in pain, be different.
If we do, we need to take a pill, change our feelings, medicate it with drugs or alcohol or else there is something seriously wrong with us. We feel shamed, less of a person, like we have to hide us.
Something is seriously wrong with this. I got to talk to someone last night, a sister, who she and I are both going through our own set of painful things-- and as odd is this is going to sound, I am happy we are going through it together. Struggles come in many different forms and sizes but they all need support and love.
Going through it with someone, having the humility to be able to cry front of someone else, being able to show true emotion and connection, is something profound. I have grown so close to my sister more and more through these struggles we are both having. I can not even express gratitude I have.
There is much to learn from a broken heart. And having a broken heart doesn't mean that you are depressed and that depression is not okay. Screw that. Even you were depressed, many people are and suffer in silence. So read that again-- it is okay to be depressed! Being hurt and suffering from a broken heart is okay.
I may have days that are good and days that are bad and days that are bleh but I would rather that then not be real with myself. If you are like me, say to yourself that you don't give a shit about what others think of you. It is about you growing as a person. I suffer too from wanting to please everyone and it is seriously such a hard place to be in.
You feel shamed. You feel vulnerable. It is not comfortable but it is necessary.
My heart feels like some stomped on it.
My heart feels empty and void of being loved the way it deserves.
My heart feels like needles have been stuck in it and it slowly leaking.
My heart feels like it got frozen full of sadness.
Some days you will feel empowered
Some days you will feel crushed down
Some days will feel they will never end
Some day you will just up and move on.
Until that some day arrives, just be and feel.
The best part of all this is, while these are many words written, I am still at a lose for words for how I am feeling and what this is doing to me. I just know that it is going to be getting better... once I can get through this!
Why is it a Monday Motivation?
Because you learn 7 things you shouldn't do unless you want to screw up your relationships.
Because you learn to admit that you have a broken heart.
Because you learn to read books about celebrities who have the same experience (we are all the same).
Because you learn it is okay to be you!
YOU are STRONG enough to go through it!
YOU are fucking enough!