If you are separated or divorced... you know...
It is just hard. One size does not fit all. All those books and all that advise aren't necessarily golden. It's not your situation. Some people push others away without a second thought. Others try to work it out. Others keep the other in their life for the kids.
When you have kids it becomes more painful. As if you have to face your pain and your break up on the daily. You can't just walk the other direction from the other and pretend that life no longer contains that person.
I am separated. It is hard as a (insert curse words) and back.
That being said, it isn't as hard as some situations I know so I am extremely grateful for that. We are trying to be as civil and nice to each other as we can. That is going okay but then...
Every time he said that "we are family" and yet it was ultimately his undoing that got us here in the first place...how in the world am I suppose to respond? Like it doesn't hurt? Who are you? Who am I? What the frick is going on?
You don't want to be with me and I am not just going to start dreaming that you will someday view me the way a husband should view a wife. No. Not anymore. If it happens, fine. But I am broken. I am hurt. That is the darn truth and it's plain as day.
Don't worry... I finally learned.
I finally heard the words and actions you have repeated that I tried to hear in the dark to pretend it wasn't as real as day itself. I finally learned that no matter how hard some one fights sometimes, it literally can not be enough. Because if you don't see me as enough than I never will be in your eyes. And guess what, I am good enough. I AM! Especially when I have had and still do have your back (even through the pain, whether caused socially, superficially, by self or by you).
Who knows if I am the one being unreasonable... I am not trying to. In fact, I am really trying to have enough grace to get through this with tact. I want everything to be fine. But it's not on some level which is how we got here.
Back to the point of the post... (Come Join the Separation Community Online!)
How does one go about co parenting through it?
Behind closed doors where things are black and white, it is much easier. When you know were the lines are drawn and the only people having to deal are you and the significant other (or obvious previous significant other) than it is so much easier. It's crystal clear much more so. I have them during the day and do their extra curricular and community service projects with them. You help put them to bed so you can have special time with them before you go into your unit and then I can get some work (like this blog) done. Great!
So many people hate each other and just hate. What is the point of that? Why are we trying to self sabotage the relationships our children have? Many of us separated for our reasons plus for the children. Why can't we make it work on some level?
I recently asked a few friends who are separated about how they can stand being in the same room and the same social situation that they had previously had a good marriage in. They said it is incredibly painful.
There is a new understanding of why mums and dads can't stand on the same soccer field or in same room when their child gets an award. The pain is so freaking distracting from being there. Screw the social awareness and concern. How can I be there present for my child when all I can hear is my heart crying and weeping and my anger boiling instead my veins because of where my situation has lead me? And I am not even sad. I am just confused and in pain though I feel free. I want to be there wholeheartedly for them, not to be thinking about anything else but them.
Don't get me wrong, I am content in many ways. But pretending is not my forte. I can't be present and put a face on. Most people can. He can. I can't. I am who I am. It is what allows me to love where I am at and where you are at as a person. You will know if I am pissed at you and then I am generally over it.
When standing on a side line of a soccer game, I want you there to be there for the child. I do. So badly. You don't even know. But if you can't help with basic parenting (unless it makes you look good) or you don't agree with something, I sure as heck don't want an argument on the field to add to my already broken and devastated heart.
Breaks need to be had for me- and every other mum or dad in similar situations. Sometimes in these situations it just won't happen. Sometimes we weigh what is best in the situation versus our own needs. It's what a parent does. The love of a mother.
The love of a mother is what motivates us. It does me.
What in the world? Why does it need to be so hard and difficult?
Your situation, dear reader, is different and I can't answer your questions on this one. I feel that I am in the thick of it myself figuring out this life situation of mine. Which isn't super new but still fresh in pain and regret.
The point of writing this is of course two fold. Of course, it is to process. But it is also to let you know one thing if you take nothing else from it...
You are not alone!
Again, read it!
(Come Join the Separation Community Online!)
You are not alone!
We all experience hard crap in life. We do. Whether you are still married (whether legally or not) or separated (whether ordained by court order or not) relationships aren't easy. We are all going through this together.
YOUR situation is different... I know, I said that already. But it is.
Your answers to your situation won't be the same as mine. Simple and plain.
So if you take nothing else away from this post know that you can take all the advise you want but that the end of the day what works for your mum, your aunt, your best friend may not work for you. Or maybe it is a combination of the many different pieces of advise.
It really is taking one step at a time. It is trying to understand a book that isn't read more or less written. You have to step inside the pages first as they are writing to be able to fully understand it. That book is called life. You just have to try and fail.
Parenting is already hard.
If you have multiple kids you already know they are different people. Duh!
But they handle the separation differently, they process different, and parenting them is different. This is both inside and outside a marriage.
GIVE YOURSELF GRACE! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I just hope I get it right one of these days...