It is as if time stops and for a moment you want to be happy, and you are for a split second, and then you remember the sadness of what you don't have. Damn commerical-ism and damn romanticism we have in our culture. I am definitely a romantic at heart but this definitely is harder this time of year for me sometimes. This time the pain was more silent than a robust fire inside (which is unusual for me). It was a new kind of dealing of pain. I am hoping to break that. This year, it took me weeks to recover.
With that in mind, I was going through my drawer today and found this gem.
It has been hard for me to honestly look at because it has been painful. All I can think about is how
this was given to me in the parking lot of the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz. How he got picked me up after I had been working on the play, "The Skriker" (disturbing play, by the way, for the record, in case you were actually wondering or cared). He brought me a burrito from La Taquiera that night for dinner. I had been working like mad. So, after he picked me up, it was so late. He took me down the Boardwalk after I was done and we walked on the beach. It was Valentine's Day 2005. We walked, we talked.
Then it happened. He got down on one knee in his suit, while the waves crashed up, and he asked with every nerve he could muster (he was nervous but very happy), to marry him. It was such a blessing. And of course I said yes!
However, after thirteen years together and marriage, it just fell apart to the point of no return.
It wasn't used in a fit of a rage to throw at him when I was hurt nor upset. No. This isn't The Parent Trap where the ring is thrown at the guy. Nope. This separation was more thought out and brought on than most are. And this is not always a bad thing.
I am grateful for the separation but I am also grateful for healing.
It has been two years of being separated. And years before that of trying to catch fire and ash from a volcano... aka, my marriage. It was a cyclical process that needed to be stopped... by both us.
Meditation cards are something I use sometimes. They help me focus my ADHD mind to be able to quiet my mind and be open to the things around me. In meditation, some because of the stress I felt, I pulled this card called "Manifestation".
This is definitely a power card for sure. It is a great reminder that we can make something more or less than what we want to make it. We can have some say in what happens to or around us.
Quite the powerful message isn't it?
So how in the world can this be that I can or can't have a say in separation? Doesn't it take two?
Yes. It does.
But because we can't always have a say in the happening or the final moment of decision but we can choose the reaction. In my situation, many would have and (a few did) give me the stern advise of kicking him out, never talking to him again, and told me I should harbour the anger.
Now, anger is a good emotion to have... when it is in check. It has a purpose. It is the alert system so to speak that things can no longer be the way they are. They can't stay stagnant. In this world, especially spiritually, we must process and move forward as human beings. It is essential to our well beings.
Harbouring anger or hurt does NOTHING but force that anger and hurt to become cyclical and ruining any potential relationships we have in the future. We need sit in the feeling and feel those things. No doubt. But harbouring them to drive you makes no logical sense. You can't hold that kind of space too long without it become super unhealthy and eating you alive.
Haven't you heard the saying that harbouring anger and not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die? Not logical, right?
Hurt doesn't always go away but being able to be present and move on at the same time is essential.
If you are in a long term relationship, don't rebound. It is vital for your soul to be able to heal first. While rebounds are satisfying instantly, what other purposes does it serve you? Now you have to deal with the hurt of the rebound and the hurt of relationship. I am in no way religious. But I believe in trying to be present and meditate on the things that are hindering me to be able to move on.
A few years ago, this process is not something I would thought of to share or write about on a blog but feel it can help others right here and now. And honestly, can be applied to more than a romantic relationship.
I so wanted to cry and I seriously questioned being. I questioned all my choices in my life. I questioned existing.
Relationships have a way of doing that to you-- especially when you are talking thirteen years of marriage. Gone. You feel that if you fail in marriage, you have failed in life all together.
This ring that represents everything that I lost... also can be transformed...
The Circle of Life!
It represented him, God/Universe. and me. Intertwined and being.
Now, to me it represents, past, present and future. It represents my current three children that came out of that marriage and are an immense blessing to me and everyone around us.
We have the power, like in this situation to change the meaning of something like a ring to be something that no longer harbour negativity but something that we can make positive to appreciate the good times we had while we were in that space and what came out of it.
If you think (Lion King) with me and imagine the circle of a ring... what it is suppose to represent. The unity of two people. Something that never ends and is always one. However, just like the metal of the ring itself, which comes from the Earth, some things must be returned to the Earth in the same fashion and re-purposed. Understanding that we all have a purpose. There is gold. There is silver. There is Diamond. Emerald. Sapphire. Ruby. All things that came from the Earth. Both through organic means and recycled.
So is the same with relationships as with the stones and metal themselves. They represent blessing the Earth with giving back what is imperfect to be regrown into a new blessing.
We must be thankful for what we have and where we are at.
Those three children that I have now, would not have come into being if I had not been with this man. Therefore, if anything else, the unity yielded three remarkable, funny, smart, out going children who love the world around them deeply. They will be used in the circle of life to bless others.
Nothing is truly a farce or a failure-- no matter how bad it looks.
Look for the diamond in the rough-- the impossibly beautiful and blessed in the midst of pain and you will be much better off!
All these words above come flowing through my heart to you-- May you be able to be at peace where ever you are at currently!