Collateral Damage

With being separated, I feel there is a whole new world to learn and most of it has to do with pushing me to my bounds of living where I am at and looking at what is to come while dealing with what is coming to past at the same time.

So when I saw this book to review, I was instantly intrigued by my obvious "condition" I am currently in.

His introduction struck me a little bit and I haven't figured out totally why-- it wasn't in the positive -must-read way but more figuring out how I fit with this book.

If you don't know, this book is about making sure that kids that are a by-product of divorce or separation don't get affected by it. A lot of times in our current culture, we have yet to figure out how to master separation and divorce in a healthy way. What I am appreciating though, is seeing those that do separate or divorce sharing positive experiences together, even as a blended family after.

Topics covered are:

Building the family-- not losing it
Tuning in to the kids
Stabilising childhood
Maintaining parent/child roles
Avoiding the parenting hand off
Instilling trust
Opening lines of communication
Drawing upon spiritual resources

To be honest, this is going to be a top keeper for me just reading one chapter in because this really is a wake up call. Parents go through so much crap when separating and often the emotions are so strong, even for this extrovert, that it can overwhelm more aspects of our lives than we realise.

To be honest, I think while I have felt with emotions that at the same time, there is so much I haven't gone through and sometimes the best healing is to be there for the kids-- especially since that is where my life has been so focused for the past decade!

He recongises that children are sometimes hard wired from birth with how they will deal with things such as separation or divorce or anything hard in life based on their personality DNA when they are born.

When he states absolutist statements, I can not help but they are mean to instill fear in those that are already dealing with a hardship of divorce. I wish he was honest but also being honest that GOOD KIDS come out of divorce and sometimes the divorce actually helps build them more especially depending and given the nature of their parents' relationship.

Something I do like about this is that there is anecdotal stories from those that participated in the studies about divorce and their effect. One that gets me, and rightly so, that sticking together until the child turns 18 doesn't magically make the pain of divorce for that child better at all. That is enlightening for me because one reason I stuck it out the way I did was because of my children.

This was powerful:

"The quality of your parenting is the single most important factor for saving your child from becoming a statics of collateral damage stemming from divorce."


I have a feeling this is going to be a book I refer back to a lot and it's truly going to help a lot of people. It is an incredibly dense book that is out there for the good of many many people.

I give it ☾☾☾☾☾ out of 5.

Book Description

"Based on research from more than 10,000 surveys from children and parents of divorce, Collateral Damage presents parents with an overview of the negative impact that divorce has on their children and offers ways to better serve their needs at this critical time.

Approximately fifty percent of marriages in the United State fail. Add to that the increasing number of couples who never marry, have children together, and later go their separate ways. In all of these scenarios, children suffer greatly—often in silence, as parents do not know how to effectively guide their kids. When the sorrow and emotional issues of children are not addressed, the cycle of divorce is likely to continue for them and in generations that follow. In addition, while children may appear to be resilient and adjusting, without proper support children of divorce are more prone to drug and alcohol abuse, criminal behavior, mental and physical illness, and suicide. How can parents manage their own hurt, shock, anger, and despair so that they can provide their children with what they need?

While Collateral Damage does not advocate divorce, it does sound a wake up call for parents. It identifies the landmines inherent in the dangerous terrain of divorce and equips them to help their children not to feel abandoned or unheard. Topics covered include:

Building the family—not losing it
Tuning into your kids
Stabilizing childhood
Maintaining parent/child roles
Avoiding the parenting hand off
Keeping kids out of the war zone
Instilling trust
Keeping open lines of communication
Attuning to guiding, spiritual resources 

The unfortunate failure of a marriage does not mean the end of the family. Providing a stable, supportive, healthy relationship with your child demonstrates what a loving relationship looks like, better preparing them for intimate relationships and marriage as an adults"